Dumisani Hlophe
This is the second installment of my personal account on my Godly spiritual journey. I have captured the first phase of the accidentality of my relationship with God, in the first article, entitled: “My first steps in search for God”. In this second installment, I describe my journey from mere belief, into faith in God.
Here is a brief recap of the first instalment: I was born to a pastor. I was born into a Christian family. Later in my teens, I was raised by another Christian family. I grew up in families that read the bible, attended church, and the two father preached. Prayer was a norm in the two families. In essence, I was born and raised into routine Christian families. This was the crux of it – growing up in an environment where a prayer was a routine, and compliance exercise.
Hence, the accidentality of my belief. I was “born into it” – “pray, don’t sin, or you will burn in hell”, I was conditioned. It was the fear factor. The fear of both my parents if I did not pray, and the fear of burning in hell as punishment from God, if I did not pray, and behaved. Maybe I was taught more, but may have been too young to comprehend.
In this accidentality of being born into belief, a seed was nevertheless planted. The God seed. The prayer seed, and the reading of the bible. In retrospect, it maybe immaterial that I was not taught to build a personal relationship with God, but the important seeds were planted in me. These were to prove useful as I grew up.
Perhaps that is the difficulty that many of us born to priests and into Christian families are challenged with. The ability to make that distinction between parental respect, and building a personal relationship with God. In the main, my obedience to God was subsumed under my respect for my parents. It was part of the child respect to my two dads, and two mothers.
Thus, immediately I left the parental nest to university, I got a sense of freedom. I was freed from parental control. Part of this parental control, was an inherent obedience to God. Therefore, I was equally free from bible reading; from praying; and the fear of burning in hell.
Being born into Christian families, was not the only source of the accidentality of my belief. There was also the contextual environment. I grew up in a poor environment. A place where it was inconceivable for a child to grow up to become a professional adult. The most profession that one could become, was mostly to be a teacher.
As I grew up in this environment, a little voice in my head, kept telling me that I would have a tertiary qualification in my life. I did not know in what. But I had this conviction that somehow, I will make it well in my life. I believed that I would be a professional of some kind or another.
This belief though, was not based on any conception of God. It did not emanate from trust in God. My personal belief that I would be a professional in the future, was not informed by the conception that God would make it happen. It was just a belief that, somehow, things would happen for me.
I carried through this accidental belief when I got to the University. I battled with fees, food, accommodation and books. I almost quit during the first year exams. There was no prospects that I could get money to pay the fees for the first year. Neither were it conceivable that even if I managed to pay for the first year, I would get money to pay for the second year studies onwards. So, after writing my first exam paper, which was English. I gave up on the exams. I stopped studying for the next exam paper, which was Constitutional law.
But just a day before the constitutional law paper was to be written, that little voice in my head came back. It said to be: “study and write – any possibility must find you ready, than unprepared.” Once again, I believed. I believed in the possibility that things would workout.
Yet, once again, this belief was not rooted in God working things out, but mere naked hope. I went on to write all exam papers without a clue of how I would settle the first year, and register for the second year. I passed all my courses.
During the December/January holidays, I miraculously received sponsorship that fully paid all my first year fees. It also committed to pay my second year studies and subsequent years subject to my academic performance. My accidental belief was being realised.
Despite this miraculous realisation of my belief and hope, I still felt like this was a random occurrence. I did not attribute it to God’s work. I remained an accidental believer.
Interestingly, when I started working, I would pray instrumentally. That is, pray whenever there was something I needed to achieve: sometime when I get into a flight, I would pray, and as the plane landed, I would pray. Whenever I was about to drive a long distance, I would pray. In short, there was always something attached to my prayer. However, the connection with God remained weak. At the most it was casual. In fact, I used to argue with many “men and women of God”. What shocked them the most, is that I made my arguments using biblical scriptures. It made it difficult for them to stand against my positions, and most often chose to switch off.
However, as I kept doing these casual prayers, the more I started to gradually feel a sense of spirituality in my heart, mind, soul and emotions. I escalated the substance of my prayers mostly whenever I would be going to do a public address; or going into a difficult meeting; or going on radio and television to do political analysis. Just before a radio or television analysis, I would do (still do) a short prayer just before going on air:
“Dear Lord – as I get on air/on that television studio, please grant me the confidence and clarity to be articulate, and sound proper. Amen’.
Whilst I was comfortable with the subject of politics, my level of self-confidence grew in leaps and bounds as I prayed just before most of my analytical interviews. I received mostly positive responses from both experts and non-experts inn politics. I could also engage peacefully with those that would harshly criticise me personally, and conceptually. I felt emboldened to differ with respect, despite the fact that some would just be insulting.
Suddenly, my post-interview sessions were followed by a “thank you Lord Prayer”. Increasingly, the urge to understand the spirit God grew inside me.
One time, I prayed as I was about to go into the TV studios of a major broadcaster in South Africa. The interview was meant to be about four to five minutes. As I left the studios after five minutes, I was invited back for another five minutes. After the added five minutes, I left the studios. A call came through. I knew the caller. She was not a “hard-core Christian”. Just a lady who would go about doing her work, and occasionally would pray. But nothing hectic – as they would say. She said:
“I have seen a lot of your tv interviews. I have heard you on radio. I have read your articles. But today you were exceptionally amazing. You were flawless. I doubt you even knew what you were saying”. Then with a master stroke, she added: “I just saw God all over you. I just saw you engulfed in Holy Spirit. You looked and sounded so divine!”
Unlike the usual bubbly me, this time I just gave one word answers, and the typical “mmmhh, yahhh, okay….” At the back of my mind, I wondered when she is going to drop the phone.
I was stunned because she did not know I prayed before the interview, and she was not also someone who would talk about God. So, I was God smacked! Moreover, I agreed with her on me being “flawless” on that day. I was very comfortable and relaxed. I was so at ease. But then, I wondered, why did God not manifest himself in me? Why the next person, and not me?
All this escalated the growth of Godly spiritual consciousness in my mind, heart and soul. I developed a huge upsurge to pursue godly spiritual understanding, knowledge and wisdom.
Suddenly, my accidental belief graduated into faith. Suddenly, I developed the consciousness that the beliefs and hopes that had manifested themselves throughout my life, were made possible by God. Whether I was conscious, or not. Whether I acknowledged God, or not, and even argued against some of his teachings, God still made my life a resounding success.
What had been a sustained act of belief and hope, turned out to be faith in God. Suddenly, a random belief in itself, became belief in God. But God had always been a part of my life. As I reflect on my life journey through its trials and tribulations, I realise that the blessings of success have been the mark of my life. God has not only intervened in my life, he has always been there since the beginning. I now recognise, that indeed God has kept me under his wing throughout these years.
My faith in God is activated. In the next instalment, I will share in more detail, how my faith has practically been activated, and my journey to sustain it!
Amen!
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