My One Spiritual Growth Point
By Dumisani Tembe
10 January 2020
Please allow me to share one of my many spiritual growth moment points. Here it goes:
I periodically do morning jogs or walks around where I live in Kensington, Johannesburg East. Somewhere along the route that I take, there is a poor woman who lives and sleeps in the street. She lives at one particular spot along the street. It is a dirty spot, and so it is everything that she uses: clothes; blankets ad some old plates and stuff she uses to drink water and eat.
Opposite her living spot, is a dilapidated open plot. There was a residential house at some point. It has since been destroyed and many unhealthy things are happening in that spot. Her immediate surrounding environment is simply non conducive for human habitation.
My heart goes to her whenever I ran or walked past her. My sense of compassion, and care is heightened whenever I go past her. However, I am equally mindful of my limitations. So, I made a conscious decision that whenever I went past her, I would give her at least R20.00. This is a commitment I have made to myself, and I have tried without fail to stick to her. And so, I have given her several R20.00 notes.
However, at some point, I started to pick up what I considered a peculiar behaviour on her part. She has never said “thank you” whenever I gave her the R20.00 note. I found this bizarre because at some point, it became a routine that I would come past, and I would give her R20.00.
It concerned me that she never said, “thank you”. It worried me. I felt she was developing a sense of entitlement over my R20.00 notes. And so, I said to myself, the next time I gave her R20.00 note and she said nothing, it would be the last time I ever gave her money.
Indeed, it so happened that the next time I came by, gave her the R20.00, she did not thank me – yet again! Done, I said to myself. “No more giving this woman money. She is ungrateful and does not deserve my kindness”.
So, for the several instances when I jogged or walked past her, I did not give her anymore money. But then, her communication with me remained the same. Nothing changed. And so, life went on. Nothing for her, and she equally simply just starred at me.
Then one Saturday late morning, I went through the same spot. This time around she was on her feet. Standing! In full conversation with another woman. As I approached closer and closer, it occurred to me that she was using a rudimentary sign language. She can’t talk, nor do sign language as those that are trained in sign language. She only gestured enough for bare minimum conversation.
Those that are close to her, understood her better on the basis that they know her, and they have been with her for several years. A complete stranger like myself, could not have been able to grasp much even if she did communicate with me. Moreover, it also occurred to me that in most of the instances I came past, it was too early in the morning, and she was either in a semi sleeping position, or sitting down.
In essence, her state of awareness was rather at a low level. Whilst she was at this state of low awareness, I came through in motion of someone in exercise, either jogging, or walking. Whilst I did slow down to almost stop whilst giving her the R20.00, there was little time for us to connect, no matter how minimal that would have been.
As I got to where she stood with her friend. She waved fondly at me. I could see in her face that she wanted to smile, but battled to smile as she probably wanted to. But her eyebrows went up, and I sensed a big smile.
I froze inside. For a moment, I felt like the earth underneath my feet could just open up and swallow me. I waved back. Smiled back as I hid the big emotional turmoil I was going through inside of me.
Her friend greeted me warmly but there was very little I could relate to, as I was in emotional turmoil.
I went past with a straight fake face as if I was not tormented inside. Like all of this was nothing.
As I had my bank card in my packet, I went to the nearest shopping complex, withdrew some money, and walked back at them within five minutes. I gave both of them R20.00 each. They thanked me in their respective way, and I walked away. But the emotional turmoil inside me, did not go away despite that I gave them money.
The emotional turmoil in me, escalated into internal spiritual engagement. The question that I had to ask myself and answer, is: why do I give?
A series of sub-themes followed from this primary question above: why did I take offence that she appeared ungrateful whenever I gave her money? I mean, whether she did say “thank you, or did not”, the fact is – her state of living in poverty squalor remained.
Presumably, that is the reason I was giving her the R20.00 notes. Thus, regardless of her response to my gesture, the subject of my giving her money remained the same. Yet, because of my dissatisfaction with her response to my giving, I had decided to stop giving her money.
Why did I give her money: for her well-being, or for my own gratification? Does it matter the type of response one gets when one is helping the poor and vulnerable?
This whole experience further activated another spiritual growth point in my journey of spiritual enlightenment. I realised, that defining moments of spiritual growth can, and do happen at any time, and anywhere. Quite often individuals identify specific religious buildings and sites as areas of spiritual growth points.
It is common for individuals to identify specific days of the week, month, or years, as designated growth points. In some instances, individuals have associated certain processes, and activities as spiritual growth points. These would include churches; mosques; and the African msamo sacred places.
As I increasingly reflected on this experience, I awakened to the difference between acts of spirituality, against acts of ego. My pain and disappointment that she was “not thanking me” for giving her money, was an act of ego on my part. I focused on her rather than the simple great virtue of giving without expectations.
My ego would have been boosted a great deal had she thanked me greatly. I would have been excited, and happy that she would have acknowledged my contribution into her life. In other words, she owed me. This is ego. I yearned for her to honour me. In the process, I lost the act of giving as a great virtue in itself, by itself, and for itself.
In the spiritual sense, giving is not a transaction. It is not a transaction between the giver and the recipient. When we give, we contribute to the balancing of the universe as poverty is a diversion from a balanced stable universe. Poverty builds apprehension, affliction, and thus – disorder. When we give, we strengthen compassion, love, and care. These are positive attributes that contribute to love across the universe, and thus – the much-needed universal positivity and balance!
Whilst this whole experience, has enlightened me on the spiritual virtue of giving, there is also a bigger lesson: spiritual growth points can happen anywhere, and with anyone in our paths. The challenge is to clear one’s state of spirituality such that whenever such seeds land in us, and thrown by whosoever, and by whatever means, such spiritual seeds find a fertile ground for germination and growth.
My journey continues!
Twitter: @KunjaloD E mail: dumisani15@icloud.com
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